Story:

A lot of my friends I went to school with are turning 60 this year. Man, are they old. LOL.

Actually, I rarely LOL. I might QS (quick smile, or if it’s a bit funny, but I’m not impressed, quick smirk) or if something is really funny, I zoom right past LOL and start SJ (shoulder-jerking).

Anyway, back to those old friends of mine. They’re turning 60 this spring, summer and fall. There’s Bob, out there on Gabriola Island, May 9 — 60 years old. There’s one of my golfing partners, 60 next month. An ex-school friend, now a lawyer, 60 in June. A local politician with a head of black hair — 60 in September. Man, they’re old.

And me? Sixty in July. Gordon Lightfoot wrote a song about it a few years ago. (And if you don’t understand that reference, you’re not old enough. Me, it was good for a QS, but that’s all.)

(By the way, SJ is temporarily uncontrollable rampaging laughter. Bad place to have somebody say something SJ funny? A funeral. Believe me.)

OMG, I’m getting way off topic. (Clip out this column and mount it in a safe place — it could be a collector’s item — because you’ve just read my first-ever usage of OMG which, from reading ebrandon.ca and Facebook means, I believe, Oh My God, an expression of excitement, or alarm.) (By the way, I always thought it should be OMGG, to represent Oh My Goodness Gracious, because what kind of heathen would regularly say something so casually about God?)

Kids!

Actually, it’s more than just kids. The LOL gang and OMG users (not to be confused with PED users, which is usually restricted to professional sports) are now in their 30s and early 40s. It won’t be long before those two capital-letter phrases start popping up in sacrilegious places such as Hansard, if a written transcript of House of Commons debates hasn’t been legislated out of commission by the young whipper-snappers sometime in the next decade.

Confused? Here’s what I mean: “Mr. Speaker, LOL, I couldn’t believe what the Honourable Member for Parry Sound just said about gun control. OMG, he should be shot. LOL.”

So is 60 a good age to quit working? It might be, but from what I’ve noticed, people who are 60 with a lot of money tend to retire with a lot more frequency than those who are 60 without a lot of money. Coincidence?

Hard to say. The Canada Pension Plan ensures that once retired, Canadians can simply live the life of Reilly, off the coast of Barbados if they choose. Just fill out a couple of CPP forms and wait for the mailman to bring a bulging cheque every month. Or, forget the mailman. Just have them direct-deposit that huge chunk of money to your off-shore account every month.

What’s that? CPP isn’t enough for the average Canadian to live on? Go on! LOL!

OMG!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, 60 is approaching and it is bound to offer a variety of ups and downs.

Age goes up; energy goes down. Weight goes up; stock market goes down.

But isn’t that life in general? A series of highs and lows, goods and bads, catches and drops.

For the sake of my mental health, I think it would be best if I just LOL my life away until it gets to the point where it’s a series of OMGs, followed by an untold number of exclamation marks. I’ll deal with it then.