Wednesday October 01, 2014


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More of the best from 2011


Part II of the best quips and quotes from 2011 (July through December segment):
• “Psychology professor gives an in-depth explanation detailing why sports fans riot. He could have saved a lot of time and just said ‘beer.’ “
• Janice Hough of “NHL star defenceman Nicklas Lidstrom has announced he will return for a 20th season with the Red Wings. Which is a big relief to Detroit fans, who were worried he would decide to spend more time with his grandchildren.”
 • Driver Danica Patrick, to The Des Moines Register, on flooring it through Iowa Speedway’s notoriously bumpy turns: “That took some ovaries to do.”
• R.J. Currie of “Dave Smith, a  69-year-old known as the ‘human home run,’ was shot out of a cannon and over the fence at a minor league game last week . Word is Smith wants to retire, but his crew can’t find another man of his calibre.”
• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle: “The Dodgers have filed for Chapter 11. Hey, it can’t be any grimmer than the first 10 chapters.”
• Comedy writer Alex  Kaseberg : “Pamplona’s ‘Running with the Bulls’ was held last week. Or as the bulls call it: “The goring of the drunken morons.”
• R.J. Currie again: “The Daily Mail reports the Seattle Mariners are one of the teams planning to have nut-free games this year. I thought they did that when they released Milton Bradley.”
• Seattle blogger Tim Hunter, on Alex Rodriguez’s knee surgery: “Team officials say he’ll miss 4-6 weeks of baseball and somewhere between 10 and 15 new girlfriends.”
• Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald, on Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez out four to six weeks after knee surgery: “While he’s out of action, Cameron Diaz called up some guy from the minors.”
• Alex Micelli of Golf Channel, talking about Darren Clarke’s British Open win and the endorsement opportunities it presents for the Irishman: “There’s a lot more room on a Darren Clarke shirt for logos than there is on a Rory McIlroy shirt.”
• Comedy writer Jerry Perisho: “The World Champion San Francisco Giants will visit President Obama at the White House next Monday. Pitcher Brian Wilson will arrive a day early so the Secret Service can ransack his beard.”
• Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, after former Hurricanes football recruit Willie Williams was charged with burglary — his 15th arrest: “That’s a milestone. Do they give you a watch for that, or do you have to steal it?”
• Another one from Brad Dickson, on retired 7-foot-6 Yao Ming saying he’ll remain a Rockets fan: “Which is good news for everyone except for the fan with the season ticket directly behind Yao.”
• Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel: “A Baptist preacher at a NASCAR race in Nashville last week said the invocation and gave thanks for, among other things, ‘GM Performance Technology and Sunoco Racing Fuel.’ Only in NASCAR could Jesus be turned into a corporate spokesman.
• Tigers pitcher Daniel Schlereth, to AP, on yielding Jim Thome’s 600th career home run: “I felt kind of awkward. I didn’t know whether to clap or what.”
• Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne (Ind.) News-Sentinel, on the latest Alex Rodriguez soap opera: “After a run-in with steroids and now gambling, A-Rod needs only an addiction-rehab visit to claim the modern athlete’s Triple Crown.”
• Comedy writer Jim Barach: “A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347. That means each fan pretty much had their own personal peanut vendor.”
• Bianchi again: “Houston Texans star running back Arian Foster is getting hammered because he put the MRI photo of his pulled hamstring out on Twitter. Personally, I’m just glad he didn’t injure his groin.”
• NBC’s Jimmy Fallon, after police nabbed a NASCAR fan — drunk, naked and with a live raccoon in his car — outside Bristol (Tenn.) Motor Speedway: “Or as rednecks call that, the trifecta.”
• Another one from Bianchi:  “A lot of people were upset because the NFL opener between the Packers and Saints bumped President Obama’s jobs speech out of prime time. With all due respect, Aaron Rodgers had a much better year than the Prez.”
• Comedy writer Jerry Perisho: “The belly putter is becoming a popular trend in the PGA. John Daly says he can’t use his bellybutton to hold a club because that’s where he keeps his beer.”
• NBC’s Jay Leno: “Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That’s the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.”
• Perisho again: “Philadelphia Eagles backup quarterback Vince Young says he has an imposter who is posing in the community as him. If you suspect you see a Vince Young imposter, ask him the throw a pass; if it’s accurate, he’s a fake.”
• Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Leo Nunez, the Marlins’ 28-year-old closer, it was discovered, is actually 29-year-old Juan Carlos Oviedo. In other words, he was already a player to be named later.”
• Perry again: “Police in Los Angeles caught four people burglarizing the home of Manny Pacquiao while the champion was in his native Philippines preparing for a fight. Possible sentences range from 15 months in prison to 15 rounds with Pacquiao.”
• Fox’s Terry Bradshaw, on the backlash after his  criticism of Panthers rookie QB Cam Newton: “I’ve been ridiculed, insulted, I’ve been made fun of to the point I actually feel I’m still married.”
• Steve Rushin at “Indira Gandhi said you can’t shake hands with a clenched fist, but that’s what the handshake often is in sports, a screw-you posing as a howdy-do.”
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